Friday, January 29, 2010

Gary Coleman Faces $750 Fine and Three Months in Jail

Gary Coleman has not had the best luck with his career. It’s not really his fault, though, because how can you top being a child actor with stunted growth in an 80s sitcom that only requires you to pout your lips and say "What chu’ talkin’ about, Willis?" every six seconds and occasionally do episodes about inappropriate touching. Seriously, you’re at the top with that, and everybody knows it. The only thing left to do is to move to Utah.

You know Utah… Religious mecca, birthplace of Kentucky Fried Chicken, home to Robert Redford’s trendy film festival, and the only place on earth that can proudly boast to having Jello as the state food. These are no doubt the very reasons that enticed Gary Coleman to move there in the first place. And what does Gary Coleman do to keep up with the spicy nightlife? He does the only sensible thing and gets cited for disorderly conduct after losing his temper in a parked car.

We’ve already presented the obvious virtues of living in Utah, but we should also add that it is also the only place in the world where people are so starved for entertainment that they’ll call the cops when they see an unusually short black guy hit the steering wheel of his car, because that’s exactly what happened to Gary Coleman when the police were called after onlookers observed Gary Coleman hitting the steering wheel of his parked car while in a heated discussion with a woman in Provo, Utah last Friday. The woman was not identified. Was that because it’s hard for an inflatable woman to talk? Who knows.

Regardless, the situation escalated to excitement and loud volume from Coleman once the police arrived. We swear we’re not making up the details of this scandalous event. Read for yourself:

Mr. Coleman was very excited and loud… At one point, he exited his vehicle, waving his arms, yelling and screaming," Cpt. Cliff Argyle told the Salt Lake City Tribune. "Vehicles were unable to exit the parking lot because of Mr. Coleman's actions."

Gary Coleman faces a $750 fine and up to three months in jail for his actions. If he gets sent to jail, don’t you worry. He’s guest-starred on both Hollywood Squares and Geraldo, so he knows what to do when the going gets rough.

We all know that hitting a steering wheel with your hands is only a smidge away from letting the blood of kittens in front of a shrine embodying the Spawn of Satan, but given the fact that Gary Coleman has a past history of violent confrontations (he was sued in 2000 for allegedly hitting a fan in the face) someone really should step in and help him with his anger management issues. Either that or they should put him on The Surreal Life where slapping and ranting are as common as a drunken Vern Troyer peeing off of his motorized scooter in the buff.

Actually, either way Gary Coleman wants to go with that one is fine with us.